


Virtue

by panavatar



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, Hospital, POV First Person, Present Tense, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-08-24
Updated: 2001-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-17 08:57:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panavatar/pseuds/panavatar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy does some last-minute thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virtue

_"No one leaves for heaven anymore,  
that ill-lit, inhospitable  
planet the color of eggshell,  
sick with candles and flowers.  
It empties itself of all things outlandish,  
that is its purpose."  
\--"Physics," Chase Twichell_

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It's like...It's like everything's backwards, and I'm standing here and it's like my mom all over again. There's nothing I can **do**. And I'm the Slayer. I'm the one who makes everything better, makes all the monsters go away. Yeah,  
right.

I was supposed to be gone before you. I mean, there's only meant to be one of us at a time.  
Ever. One after another, dying and being called in some kind of vicious cycle. But it didn't work that way, and I'm still here, Faith, and you're **dead** and there's no changing that.

I'm standing in the doorway of the hospital room, wondering why everyone has to die on me but I have to keep living. Damn. They kept you locked up in that cell almost right 'til the end, only to move you into another kind of cell, a cold sterile room in a clean generic hospital. This place is everything you hated, I know. You spent too long in Sunnydale General after I almost killed you to want to be in a hospital again. You shouldn't have gone out like this.

I never told you a lot of things, Faith. I had to be good, because that's how they brought me up and that's who I am. I couldn't tell you all I wanted to or be honest or even **nice**. And I **had** to kill you, I had to be tough and kill the only person who understood me completely. Even though I didn't succeed, I had to try, because "true love conquers all" and there were just things I had to do. I never really wanted to hurt you, Faith. I had to because it was my duty.

But I wanted to be you. I wanted to want, take, have, and not care what they thought. Sometimes I knew exactly how you felt, and I wanted to just sink into your skin and dance like there was no tomorrow. Of course, if I'd done that, there **wouldn't** have been a tomorrow, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself--except now there really won't be a tomorrow for you.

I don't know how to tell you what I need to. I never have, but I've got to do it now because there won't be another chance to say it to your face. So I guess I'll try again.

I **wanted** you, Faith. I wanted to own you, body and soul, to be part of your weird twisted leather and red lipstick world. But I mean, we're both girls and it just...I just didn't think it would work. I just ended up sort of...settling for what I got. It was almost enough, being in your body like that for a little while. I could almost pretend I really was you. I almost didn't want my own body back.

I'd already screwed everything up by then. I let you down in a thousand different ways, and then I freaking **killed** you. Or I might as well have. I did it all for a boyfriend, for a **lover** who couldn't even stick by me when things were getting rough. I should have stuck by you, instead.

Faith, I'm just sorry everything ended up this way. I know it's a little late to start confessing everything like this, but...I just felt it needed saying, even if I didn't say it in time. Mom used to tell me that faith is a virtue, and now it's one I'll never have.

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't one of my favorite things I've ever written, honestly, but it was my first Buffy fic and I'm still proud of it.


End file.
